he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
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I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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