Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
