so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
