I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
