my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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