btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
