I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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