Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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