Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
