I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
