I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
