Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
