I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
