he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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