I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
