So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
