Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
