She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
