Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
