Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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