my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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