Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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