i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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