Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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