can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
