From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
