I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
