I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
