hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
