Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
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Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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