Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
