Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
