I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
