It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
