His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
