I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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