I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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