You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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