Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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