I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
