I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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