meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
