A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
