So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
