If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
