It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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