It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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