paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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