never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
