Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
