i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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