I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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