God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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