from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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