my phone needs a breathalizer
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
