the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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