I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
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after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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