I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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